It’s a long time since I’ve done a FMF, but here’s goes.
Five mins of free writing on the word ‘why.’
My makeshift bravado sank like a tent without pegs recently when I was sent for a CT scan. It was routine. No one expected anything to come of it. It was just ruling stuff out. I only mentioned it to a few people, I didn’t want a fuss. But as I lay in the machine I remembered the last time I had one of those tests. It was almost exactly 16 years ago. I’d had bad news and they were testing to make sure there wasn’t worse news. It all came flooding back as the large metal donut surrounded me. I thought back to holding my breath, and my tears, as the guy’s voice was kindly asking me to stop moving so they could run the test. Those memories turned what I had dismissed as a routine scan, to one that filled me with fear. Why am I here again? What if it is something? Why would You do that to me? What if I’m sick again? They don’t send you for these tests for nothing. It could be…
I fretted and questioned for a few days until I heard that it was all normal. Then my feelings were mixed with relief and frustration.
What was that for? Why Lord? Why put me through that? Dragging all that old pain and panic for nothing.
I’m still not sure. Maybe to show me that it was nothing – giving me peace of mind. Maybe to strengthen my prayer life – nothing like worry to do that. Maybe to strengthen my faith, or test it.
I don’t know, but it wasn’t for nothing. Nothing is wasted. Even if the ‘why?’ is never resolved. I trust that nothing is wasted.
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