O is for that ‘orrible word

The word obesity is one of the most upsetting words for me to hear, say or write. When I started my weight loss journey, I was off the standard BMI charts. Having lost 5 stone, I’m still well within the morbidly obese category. I will have to lose another 6 stone! to just be obese, and a further 2 stone after that, to be considered ‘normal’.

When the obesity crisis is discussed on TV it makes me cringe. I’m not saying it’s untrue, or unimportant, it just reminds me that it’s partly my fault. For a long time, I ate hurriedly in private because of the shame I felt. At times, I still feel guilty when I’m eating. To be fat, is the new smoking. The attitude to obesity reinforces all of that for me.

I firmly believe that extremely overweight people are not getting enough help. My obsession with food is unnatural and unhealthy and I hold my hands up and say that I did little to help myself for many years, but when I see the issue discussed in the media, I feel overeaters get more judgement than support.

It can be quite expensive to eat properly, which is another thing that needs to change. I’m not sure how effective the sugar tax will be. Rather than make the bad stuff dearer, how about making the good stuff cheaper. Fresh produce, healthy meats and particularly fresh fish can be very expensive. Bags of frozen processed food are still much cheaper and last longer.

I don’t know what to do to change any of that. I just feel the word obesity has changed from a description to a label – and it causes me great discomfort. Officially I’ll be in that category for some time, when I look at how I’ve changed, I do everything I can to shake it off. 🙂

K is for Kind

Following on from my thoughts in the ‘I is for If‘ post, I wanted to share another way my thinking has changed over the last few years. These days, I am kind to myself.

In the book I’m writing about this journey, I talk about how I used to hate myself. I could not bear the sight of me in a mirror. Sometimes if I caught my reflection, I would thump myself, and say the most awful things to the mirror. Those negative words would stay with me for days. They would ring around in my head. It took a long time to change that mindset; to speak and act positively towards myself. I must care for myself because God’s Spirit is within me.

Eating right, I have found, is not deprivation. Quite the opposite. It is another kind thing I can do for myself. It’s not always easy, but I try always to make choices that are for my benefit – even though my sweet tooth and old habits are always pulling at me.

Are you good to yourself?

I is for If

We’ve made it to Day 10! April is zooming past us.

Today I’m focusing on the ‘clumsy’ side of my AtoZ theme of being a ‘Clumsy Carb Cutter.’ I have long suffered from ‘clumsy’ thinking. I’m trying to improve that, by use of the word ‘if.

Every meal, every snack, every morsel is a choice. I’ve become a shudda, cudda, wudda person – but in a good way. I like to think about ‘what if…?

I was in despair about my weight for years. I never believed I could change. I prayed about it for so long, but thought my prayers were hitting the ceiling. Now I am gaining the courage to believe that anything is actually possible. (Even though I’ve been reading that in the Bible for years, I didn’t think it applied to me 😀 )

So I measure a lot of my day in ifs. You might think it sounds dreary; the worst thing you can imagine. I enjoy it though. It keeps me on track, it keeps me open to all possibilities. If I can make each individual decision the right decision, then I will continue to succeed. I’ve lost 70 lbs. If I lose another stone that will be 6 stone down. I’ll have lost 1/4 of my starting weight (you do the math…). If I can lose that much, maybe I can lose more than that.

If also works in the opposite way. If I don’t keep an eye on things, if I don’t watch what I’m eating, if I don’t keep moving… then I’ll go back to where I was before. Unfit, unhealthy and unhappy. I don’t want that life again.

Even as I look over this post, the ‘if’ thing reads like stuff and nonsense, but it really works for me. It’s a healthy mindset, keeping me accountable to myself.

What if… the possibilities are endless 🙂

Belated Thank Yous & AtoZ news

I am so grateful for all the supportive messages both private and public, after my last post. I asked for help, and some of you responded with great kindness and honesty. You really encouraged me. Thank you. I very soon got on track again and at the moment am back to my best result of minus 5 stone. It is a relief and a joy, to be back in control again. But it’s scary how quickly I can be thrown off  course.

I’ve been quiet on here lately as I’m armpit-deep in edits of the book I’ve written about the weight loss. I toyed with calling it, ‘The Fall of the Pound,’ or maybe ‘From Fattie to Fittie (which I think will make a long but great hashtag 🙂 ), but the working title is still, ‘Have mercy upon me O Lord, a slimmer.’ I call it ‘Mercy‘ for short. There is a ton more work to be done, but with the help of Stacey at One Word Editing, I’m getting there.

In the mean time, April is almost upon us and I am gearing up for one of my fave blogging events. The April AtoZ Challenge. This year I’m going to use it to explore some of my thoughts as I work through the ‘Mercy’ edits. I’ll be sharing some practical stuff too. I’m not an expert, but I’m hoping that some wisdom I’ve learned and products I’ve found might help others on the same journey. My theme this year is Clumsy Carb Cutter. And on April 1st I’ll be introducing you to my low carb alter ego – Avocado Amo 🙂

I’d love you to join me on the journey. They’ll be short and snappy, daily posts that I hope you’ll enjoy and lend your thoughts too.

So I’ll see you on Monday 😀

Thanks again, you fabulous lot xxx

oh, and for the next few days on my Facebook page, I’m running a little competition to win one each of my two short story collections, which I’ll mail to the winner anywhere in the world. Click here to pop over check it out

Half way there and still such a long way to go…

So in my last post I  promise to fill you in on my change of plan for #NaNoWriMo2017.

I was all set to work on my second novel (first one is still in a drawer btw), but changed my mind at the 11th hour and decided to work on a non-fiction book that I’ve been pondering for a while. All about the weight.

We’re at Day 15 of NaNoWriMo, I’m behind par, and a bit stuck. I’m confident that this is a book I’m supposed to write. At the moment it’s called “Have Mercy on me, O Lord, a slimmer.” It was supposed to be fun and funny to write. But actually it’s tough going.

Non-fiction – truth, is so much harder to write that fiction. With fiction you can write a dream, write the impossible. You can make the doorbell ring and have who ever you like in the known universe on the other side of the door. Make the turn of events happen any way you like. You can write the happy ending.

They say the truth will set you free, but it’s a lot harder to craft because – it is what it is. It can be a terrifying thought when you’re used to lying to yourself. I’ve found that I can’t write about losing weight over the last couple of years, without searching why I put it on over the last 30 years.

I’ve been blogging on and off for about 10 years, writing fiction for about 5 years. This is the first thing I’ve felt compelled to write. I’d rather leave it and go back to my novel. Too late now, it’s Day 15 and I’ve another 30,000 words of truth to get out. This struggle to write, coincides with the most difficult diet week in the 18 months. I just want to eat everything.

If you’re a prayer, please pray for me. The battle is on!

This is my song at the moment 🙂


So last week I finally hit -5 stone in weight loss.

The first 4 stone were gone in 8 months. It has taken almost 6 months to lose that 5th one. My first big goal is to lose 6 stone so I’m still working towards that. But to finally hit another one down gave me a real sense of triumph.

At the moment I’m taking part in NaNoWriMo’s (National Novel Writing Month, usually in November) mid-year Camp NaNo. You can choose your own word count and tap tap tap away each day for the whole of July, tying to reach that target by the 31st. There’s a daily milestone to reach and I love when I get that wordcount done!

One thing I’ve learned about the journey I’ve been on this last year is that I need to celebrate the small victories. Reaching my first big goal of -6 will be fantastic, but it’s taking some time to get to.  Along the way there have been be disappointments and discouragements – mainly due to my own inconsistency. I’ve taken to cheering myself on to stay motivated. If something stopped working I changed it. If I got bored with a certain food or exercise I swapped it out for something else. Now I could challenge myself to ‘stick with stuff,’ ‘push through,’ ‘go the distance’ etc. My problem is, if I lose the battle in my head it’s game over for me. So I’m doing anything and everything to keep going. Including, celebrating the small triumphs. Down a pound, not being up a pound, walking a little further, walking a little faster, clothes fitting more comfortably, some being too big.

Whatever  counts as a win – I’m taking my place on the podium and I’m gonna cheer.

In 10 days time, please God, I will be taking part in the Cancer Research UK, Relay for Life as part of a team from work. For the whole 24 hours someone from our team has to be walking. This is another huge milestone for me. To be both willing and able to walk long distances is another miracle. It’s the first time I’ve ever done a walk for charity. I’m really excited about it.

I highly recommend celebrating every milestone. Every battle survived, even if not won. Every moment of strength, even if not a complete success. Let’s cheer ourselves on, let’s cheer EACH OTHER on. Celebrate the milestones. Let’s journey on to full victory, one tiny triumph at a time. 🙂

Oh and if you’d like to sponsor me for the Cancer Research Relay for Life, please click here. Thanks xx

photo credit: Shemsu.Hor Former times Milestone via photopin (license)