Memories, like the corners of my mind

I love the Facebook memories function. I enjoy looking back at them; most of the time they are a good laugh. One day last week, some memories popped up that threw me back to what was a very dark time, and I suddenly realised how far I’ve come.

When we moved back to Ireland in 2007 I was in a bad way. I finally let out the sadness that I’d been holding in for a long time. I was on mild medication and going to counselling. I thought that was the beginning of the end; but it turned out to be the beginning of the slow road back to health and strength.

I’m surprised to see myself smiling in the memory photos; inwardly I felt like I was crumbling. Even my hair was awful. I remember coming home from the hairdressers and I cried my eyes out. It didn’t take much to make me cry, but I was so upset by the hatchet job I’d ended up with. Maybe I was too dazed I didn’t communicate properly. I’m sure I showed her a photo, but whatever happened I pretty much ended up with a crew cut. I looked as dreadful as I felt.

The photos are of a holiday we were taking in South East of Ireland in 2008. Friends let us stay in their holiday home. It was a refuge we were grateful for. It was in the middle of nowhere, with no wifi and hardly any phone signal. Just what we needed. Richard was doing a lot of reading and studying for Bible college and sermon prep. I would sit on the floor each day with my guitar, singing and crying to God. It was the lowest I had ever been. I felt sure I’d never recover. I was convinced I was going to die of sadness. It was like I’d saved it up for years; it all came out in one go. Seriously, how I’m smiling in those pics, I don’t know. I remember feeling so empty.

It’s hard to believe the difference. And I suppose that’s the point of this post really. To say that things can change. I didn’t believe God would be ‘the strength of my heart’ – even though I sang it through tears, sitting on that floor.

After my mam died in 2005, God had led to me a beautiful verse which I had taped to my monitor in work. 1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. I had been hanging on to that hope. I didn’t just want restoration. I wanted it to be true that “he himself” would restore me, even though I did not believe he would.

Over time though, it has become true for me. I feel stronger, firmer and more steadfast than I ever have. That’s not to say that I don’t have rough days,  just flick through some old posts here and you’ll get the drift.

I just want to encourage anyone who feels overwhelmed with sadness. It can change. God can turn your mourning into dancing. It takes time, and a lot of clinging on. He does it though; I promise.

Better than that… HE promises.

Don’t give up! One day, these sad days will be memories.

A x

13 years ago I didn’t marry my soul mate

On Monday myself and Sir Galahad were 13 years married.

Personally I think we’re lucky to have made it! I often envy people’s FB posts that say, “x amount of years ago I married my best friend, my soul mate!” I’m like… really? Well you’re lucky. Cos I did not marry my best friend and definitely didn’t marry my soul mate. In fact I hardly knew him, but I sure did (and do) love him.

Over the 13 years we have become best friends and I’m not really sure what a soul mate is, but he’s probably the nearest thing to I have to one – apart from Jesus. (Who I think probably wins the prize actually.)

We’ve had 13 years of hard slog. Grieving over lost loved ones, lost hopes of having children, fighting depression and they’re just the issues I can put out on the world-wide web. Email me for a full list if you’d like. (You won’t get one, but it would be good to know who are the nosey-parkers :D)

It’s been difficult and there have been times when I thought… “you know what? I can’t be bothered with this any more…” But thank God I came to my senses.

19th August 2000
19th August 2000

So… you may wonder are we celebrating at all and do we have anything to celebrate?


We have made it to another year, another milestone. We know folk who struggle with marriage issues and don’t make it. Many are sad to break up, some are relieved – because it’s easier and just better not to be together.
And I get that – believe me, I get that.

But we are celebrating and thanking God that we have won the latest battle; even though there’s no doubt there are more to come. But for now we trust Him, and we stand together
in victory, weapons ready, armour on.
Cos it’s the only way we are going to make it!

amo and rich 2012
September 2012
somewhere nr Kenmare

Thank you God for another year.
Thank you God for 13 years.
Bring it on!

NB! No husbands were injured in the writing of this post, (Well mine wasn’t, in fact he approved it!)

More sadness!

I was going to write a blog post about how miserable I am at the moment. Lots of good reasons to be down in the dumps and a bit of an explanation as to why…
Then I heard that another teenager has taken her own life because of bullying and suddenly – well I’m just being a sap really!

I was bullied in school. Got all the ‘fatso’ jokes you can imagine. Got pushed around a bit. But I saw others get worse treatment and thankfully it never occurred to me NOT to say it to my mam and older sisters.

I wrote a post for Suicide Awareness Day this year. But just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with that poor girl’s family. And with the many other young people in despair 😦
I’m also praying for bullies too – they need to realise what they are doing and STOP!
But I believe they are also victims.

If you’re reading this and you think there is no hope… there IS hope.
Get in touch with Pieta House, Samaritans, someone… anyone…

And thank you Lord for the reminder of my many blessings!
Somehow I totally forgot ot mention Console Ireland. They are another organisation helping those who are in suicidal crisis and those bereaved by suicide. They are this year’s beneficiary of funds raised by the Twitter Xmas Single.


A crap poem that turned into a crap prayer

2 people have died
Too much sadness
2, or maybe 20 opinions as to why
Insults start to fly
Hijack the agenda, rant and rave, play the blame game
Is it just one more thing to tweet wildly about?
Just another stick to beat the right with?
Another slur to hurl at the left?
How many really care about to the two people who died?
I’m so tired of it all
And God; what do you want me to do now?
This stuff makes me want to quit the tiny area of the public arena that I inhablt
And leave them all to devour each other

Blessed are the peacemakers, but no one wants a peacemaker today