I mentioned in my opening AtoZ post some of the changes that led to my five stone weightloss. Since then I have put on a little, lost a little, put on a little, lost a little… I am still five stone down. In some ways that is frustrating as I feel I could do with losing another five, but I can’t seem to get any further. In other ways, it is amazingly wonderful. For the first time in my long history of dieting, I have kept my weight off.
In the olden days, after a stall or a carbhorrific weekend, I would throw in the towel, pretending to still be trying for a while but in my head it would all be over. Bit by bit I would put all the weight back on and then some. So although I am not any further than that first year, I am still rejoicing and celebrating staying five stone down.
It’s almost three years since I started that journey. Within the first few weeks I really struggled, I grieved for sugar and sugary foods; truth was they made me feel better. I’ve shared about it back in 2016 (click here to read it). I knew I had to change, I knew that I was eating myself to an early grave. As I progressed, I was so happy to see those changes inside and out, but I was conscious I’d never really dealt with the why and how of my weight gain.
In November 2017, I used the NaNoWriMo challenge, to write the story of being an overweight Christian. You might wonder how that differs from being an overweight person, but I was wrapped up in guilt and shame and I was lacking in trust of my God to help me out of the prison I was in. My faith had to be part of the story.
So I wrote it. With many tears I raked though painful memories and regrets, I fought the urge to leave out the ugly stuff and just poured it all out. By the end of it I felt like I’d been skinned. I was raw, embarrassed, ashamed, afraid and relieved. It reminded me of reading about Eustace in C.S. Lewis’ The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when Eustace had been turned into a dragon, and only Aslan could remove the gnarly dragon skin from his body. Eustace describes the pain of having the skin removed as the worse thing he had ever felt. He was only able to bear it, because the removal of the rough skin brought pleasure and relief.
Writing an honest book about being fat was extremely painful. It turns out that editing a book about being fat is no less so! But it is a relief to say some of the stuff out loud. The working title is “Have Mercy Upon Me O Lord, a Slimmer.” I’m praying that when my story gets out there, as painfully revealing as it will be, it will help people who feel the shame and embarrassment of overeating.
If you think it’s something that might help you or someone you know. Keep an eye out here for updates 🙂