I’m constantly doubting myself. Always second guessing and regretting what I did or didn’t say or do. Below is a journal entry I wrote frantically after making a mistake. A mistake by the way, which resolved itself quickly and wonderfully. But as I read back over my frazzled scribbles I wonder again and how easily I get worked up over stuff!I feel like a total idiot today. I made a mistake. I actually have a chance to fix it but I’m not sure how. I want to turn the clock back. I want it to be this time yesterday. But I spend too much time wanting that. I make stupid mistakes. Usually when I’m happy and confident. When I’m like this I’m a bit paralysed. I’ve written half a response (which is already twice as long as it needs to be) and I can’t send it and I can’t delete it. Why am I such an idiot? Why can’t I just stop when I’m supposed to stop. Instead of going too far and saying too much? Stupid Stupid Stupid woman! And now I can’t write. Can’t write anything cos I have a stupidity cloud sitting on my head. I’ve a lump in my throat and I want to cry, I’m so bloody annoyed with myself. What do I do now? I can’t turn the clock back, I can ask the other person to, but no matter what happens it’ll always be there. And asking to turn the clock back will draw more attention to it than if I just reply to the email casually. But I can’t. I can’t casually blow it off. I want not to have received the email. Not for the person to feel they had to send it at all.
And quick as a flash it was sorted. Thank you Lord. The other person got in touch and actually felt like I did. “Lets’ turn the clock back 24 hrs” and we did. And it worked.
Drawing a line under that one; as I wait for the next one… :/